Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
