Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i love accidental penises.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
