Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
