I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
