all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
