Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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