On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
