nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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