I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
