Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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