it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
