Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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