hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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