I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
