My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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