btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize