According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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