Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Randomize
