I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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