dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
