so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
