i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
