: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
