He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
