Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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