life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize