i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
