i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize