My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize