So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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