we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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