I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
