Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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