WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
