so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
