my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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