On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
