I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I touched a dick in church today
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
