i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
