Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
