your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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