I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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