I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
