My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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