i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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