so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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