Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize