So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize