So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize