shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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