need another drink. this is the easiest way
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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