Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
