I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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