At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
