I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
