I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
