I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
