Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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