Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
