her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
