That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
