I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
