the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
