I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize