It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
