Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
