Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
